LTASEX

Everyone has their own unique brand of flirting. Some like to choose the coy approach others are more aggressive and like to seek and destroy (the pussy). Often these different styles are completely incompatible. I learned this lesson very recently when I met a guy whose slick talkin’ Detroit swag collided my calm and reserved suburban anti-swag.

It was an interesting situation, I thought he was quite sexy, but didn’t really let on. He thought I was sexy and that was his only topic of conversation. My technique made him think that I wasn’t into him. His technique made me think all he wanted was sex, which is fine but when talking I generally like something with a bit more substance. Sure, I thought his whole shtick was charming in a hood Rupert Everett sort of way, but after two days of awkwardly dancing around the topic, I was ready to walk away. Then I figured, “what would I lose by expressing what I’m thinking?” So, I did.

Here’s the conversation verbatim:

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Because I’m the “Sexpert” people often assume that I have the bestest most awesomest sex life ever in the history of the world!!!1! The truth is that I am struggling out here just like everyone else. I haven’t been on a successful date… ever. I find bars and other social situations overwhelming. Online dating sites for gay men are like meat markets. I constantly put obstacles in my way. I know all this to be true and yet I continue to ignore it with work. All of this makes me feel like I’ve lost the spark of life that I once had. It’s strange to be 23 and feel like you’re past your prime. Lately I have been thinking about how to get that spark back in my life. I want to rediscover my sexuality and break out of the shell that I’ve built for myself.

There was a time where I always felt sexy, and desirable. I had sense that even though I was a big guy, I had a lot to offer and people wanted me. That sense buoyed by all the great sex that I was having, deflated when I stopped. Without my confident attitude, my stunning personality was little match for my extreme shyness and introversion. I stopped going out, stopped meeting new people, and dropped off the social map. For a while that social isolation was fine, I was never really much of a people person, but now that my priorities and desires are evolving it’s time to get my groove back.

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Online dating presents a million and half opportunities to lie and everyone takes part, even if by accident. The folks over at Ok Cupid have compiled some more data from 1.51 million users and have put together a list of the biggest and most popular lies people tell in online dating. Their version was a bit long so I made a better one for you.

#4 “I’m Bisexual.”

In reality, most people only message one gender or the other. Only about 23% of self-identified bisexual people actually actively seek both. Even research decades ago from Alfred Kinsey bared similar results. He found that while most people have inclinations toward the bisexual in some degree, they often only seek one gender exclusively at one time or another.

#3 “Here’s my recent picture.”

In fact the data shows that the more attractive the picture the more likely it is for the photo to be out of date. About 36% of all “attractive” photos are 12 months old or older, compared to only 20% of “Average” looking photos. Older people are even worse at posting recent pictures. For guys and girls 18-20 the average age of the pictures they post is under 200 days. Fast forward thirty years and the age of women’s photos increases to about 300 days and men, the worst offenders, have an average photo age of 520 days.

#2 “I make six figures.”

According to Ok Cupid’s data, people are generally 20% poorer than they say they are. This is consistent through genders, and gets progressively worse with age. Most people 18-20 inflate their income by only 5%, but once you get up to age 54 we’re talking about an inflation of 30%.

#1 “I’m six feet tall.”

In the US most men are between 5’6” and 6’0”. On Ok Cupid the average man is 5’8” and 6’2”. Men aren’t the only ones making themselves taller, as women add about 2 inches to their height as well. It’s an effective tactic, as women who are 5’10” and men 6’4” have more sex. Now this isn’t to say that lying online is effective as you will eventually meet and your 2 digital inches will magically disappear, but it can help get you a date.

Dealing with the lies of online dating is just something that comes with territory. At least you can go out and make better judgments of the people you’re looking at. Hopefully you can also take this and edit your profiles to have some resemblance to the true you.



I was wondering how soon is too soon to have sex with a guy. I’m ok with having sex on the first date, but I’ve always been told you should make them wait. What do you think?

This is one where I can’t give you a solid answer, but I can tell you what I do/what works for me. Generally, I just go for it when I feel it right. For some people that means that I jump their bones on the first night, or I make them wait. What makes the difference is the person. If the person I’m on a date with makes me feel like I want to fuck them, I will. If they give me pause, then I won’t. However, I have a more laid-back attitude about dating. I’m not so worried that every interaction will lead to a relationship.

If you are worried that you might be a one night stand then you need to use your own judgment. The problem is that people who are just trying to get in your pants will be as charming and suave as they need to be.

Most people will be nervous on first date, that nervousness can be your friend. Little things clumsiness, stumbling, and sweating are all good indicators of a person’s internal conditions. These may not always ring true but if you make sure to pay attention to the subtle cues people give off so you can get a clue to their intentions.

One thing to keep in mind is that the reason why people don’t call back the morning after has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their guilt surrounding sex. What people want/do and what they think they should want/do is often completely different; this causes internal conflict. For those who are psychologically inclined you could say it is the id versus the super-ego.

People will do what the hell they want to do, especially if they think no one is watching, they’ll just feel guilty as hell about it. People don’t like feeling guilty, so they find ways to soothe their guilt and justify their behavior. One very common way people justify their sexual behavior is by transferring responsibility for it onto someone else.

What do people say when they talk about sex they regret or feel conflicted about? “She gave it up on the first night, clearly she’s a hoe.” What they are really saying is “It’s not my fault. She is such a slutty McWhore pants that she seduced me. I was a helpless field mouse caught in the sights of that tramp.” In this sort of rationalization, there is no room for people to hold themselves accountable. No matter how fucked up this system is, this is just a symptom of a larger problem; A problem that I am too hungover to delve into.

To answer your question, Honestly, it’s all a matter of what you want out of the interaction. If you are just playing the field then who gives a damn. If you want a relationship conventional wisdom says to wait, but that is not absolute. You have to make your own assessment based on the specific person. Just keep in mind that people are more good than they are bad. Most people are just as lost as you are awkwardly stumbling their way through life. 99% of the people you will meet are not out to use you. Relax.

Admittedly, complimenting women can be a dicey proposition. While every woman wants to know that you find her attractive, complimenting her on the wrong physical attribute could mean going home alone at the end of the night. Luckily dating website Badoo has levied their data from 107 million registered users to give you the best chance of making a successful first impression.

#6 Women love being complimented on their hair, especially if they are of Spanish, or Latin blood. It is very innocuous and shows attention to detail. Stay away from asking if it’s a weave, or if it’s colored. The idea is to compliment without being accusatory. Talk about how soft it is, how good it smells, how the color compliments her skin & eyes, and how well it flows.

#5 Women from Australia, America or Brazil like being complimented on their clothing. I doubt they want you to tell them how hot their ass looks in their jeans. However, compliment them on how the color matches their skin or how original their style of dress is will be most effective. Women like to know that they are different or have something special about them that you have noticed.

#4 Legs are every girl’s go to weapon, so a compliment there could never go wrong. British women are particularly favorable to those compliments. That would make since when you look at British celebrities they are often in short shorts and skirts, much more often then American celebrities. Again, here you want to say things like soft, smooth, long, firm, and plump.

#3 Odd though it may seem, many women enjoy being complimented on their ears and earrings. Women put a lot of work into choosing the right baubles to hang on their ears in order to accentuate their faces and neck lines, complimenting their hard work will pay off.

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